lack of ambition?

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted to this blog. I’ve been wondering what the reason for that is. Is it simply a lack of time? Or is it a lack of ambition? I’m not sure. The dictionary definition of ambition is “an ardent desire for rank, fame or power” or “desire to achieve a particular end”. I think this is somewhat true. I’m not sure I desire fame and power, but I do need to feel worthy and I have goals in life to work toward. Why do I not constantly work toward my goals?

I do know that I don’t seem to have as much time for myself as I did a few years ago. I started this blog as a way to get some new content to our indenation website. It was easier than constantly writing code and lots of people are writing blogs now, so why not me. Jon and I haven’t done too much with the site since “special night” ended its run, so we’re calling it a day with that project. I started doing some archiving of a lot of that site content recently and I was fondly recalling those projects. They aren’t the greatest gems of cinema, but I do remember that I really enjoyed doing them. I’m also really proud of them for what they were at that time for me. I’ve never felt like I knew what I was doing, but maybe that’s what it’s all about. Never really knowing how to do anything and working toward something. Maybe life is just that in general.

Regardless of what it all means, I know that I’m going to try to do some writing this year. Last year was a hard year personally and I didn’t do any writing or video work at all. I posted some blog posts, but I never really sat down and did much beyond that. But at least I did that. I think my goals are smaller than they may have been in the past, which is why I’m feeling like I have a lack of ambition, but at least there are some goals to work toward. I really wish I was a rich and famous filmmaker but I’m not. I don’t deserve to be either because I haven’t put the work into that. I have a great job at the Walt Disney Company and I’m very grateful for it. I enjoy working there and I love my work. It’s surprising to me really when I think about it. I never thought I’d end up doing what I’m doing, but I love it. BUT, I also enjoy writing, film/video and website stuff too. I’m not sure I’ll ever regain the ambition of my 20’s and maybe I never really had as much as I thought. Deep down the one thing I haven’t lost is a dream. A dream of one day writing and making a movie and being able to see it in a theater. If I can do that before I die, then I’ll be a happy camper. But at the very least, I want to keep trying to do it.

I guess what this all means for this blog, is not too much. I still plan on writing in it and hopefully more posts will happen this year. I have a list of ideas that I’d like to write about and I will try to make time to make that happen. A little bit at a time. What this means for my filmmaking and writing endeavors, I’m not sure. I know that I want to try to write a sci-fi story that I have in my head, so I’ll try to make some time to start on that. I’ve never tried one and I love that genre of film/TV shows. Beyond that who knows? I have a couple of short video ideas, that I never finished from the last couple of years. Maybe I’ll work on some of that. I want to keep my nocluefilms.com website going. I want to do more projects and am especially interested in writing right now. I guess it’s just important to keep some level of ambition. I know I can’t be gung-ho in all areas of my life at the same time and I have a lot going on. But taking a few minutes a day for me to write and work on things I love is important to do.

As far as no clue production news, I guess this blog is it right now. Thanks for reading my blah blah blah & general ramblings. I’ve added new twitter and facebook widgets to my blog to help you stay up to date on even more of them. Hopefully more are on the way soon.